兩口子怎樣談錢才能不傷感情

????政治、性、健康、宗教或金錢：如果有人在宴會上說起這些東西，哪個最有可能讓你馬上去洗手間（或者至少大跌眼鏡）？

????據英國金融咨詢公司德維爾集團（deVere Group）的一份最新研究顯示，60%的時間里金錢都占據首位。現在這項研究開始面向全球展開（除美國外，新增了英國、香港、阿聯酋和南非），調查對象重點針對富裕人群（可投資資金超過150萬美元）。因此過去幾天來，我在美國本土搞了個小范圍調研——請我每周免費專欄的讀者參與。而在@JeanChatzky或Twitter的@FortuneMagazine上關注我的讀者也參加了此次調研。

????調研表明，性是社交場合中最能讓我們起雞皮疙瘩的話題。金錢排在第二位。至于說健康，我們可能整天都在聊這個話題【也許這就說明了，為什么我繼父管他與自己的“羅密歐們”（ROMEOs，出去吃飯的退休老男人）午餐的頭十分鐘叫管風琴獨奏（organ recital）】。

????除了前面最初的那個排名，我的受訪者中60%的人（他們多數在40歲到60歲之間，可投資資產都在十幾萬美元到幾十萬美元）承認自己會對金錢避而不談（如果您想參加調查，可在此處加入）。參加宴會的時候聊起這個沒什么問題——但如果跟自己的配偶或重要關系人、孩子（不管是未成年還是成年）及父母也不談錢，那就會惹麻煩了。

????不談就表示在積極話題（十年后我們想做什么？）及消極話題（你信用卡到底欠了多少錢？）上都搞拖延戰術。這也就是為什么我們總會看到有些夫妻在何時（先不談何地及如何）退休這個問題上總沒法達成一致。這也是有些婚姻會在經濟上翻船的原因之一。而且，它還可能會讓我們的孩子不斷重蹈覆轍。

????理財治療協會（Financial Therapy Association）主席里克?卡勒稱：“不幸的是，我們最親近的人也是最難溝通的人。”為什么會這樣？我們怎樣才能改變這種局面？接下來我們逐一解答。

????卡勒稱，有兩種情緒，也就是羞恥及罪惡感，會讓我們對自己的財務狀況避而不談。他說：“如果我們掙得不夠多，或是身價不怎么樣，這都會讓人覺得丟臉。而如果掙得太多，或是太有錢，又會有罪惡感。”有趣的是，這兩種情緒都和具體數字無關，而是和我們在自己公司的地位（或是自認為的地位）有直接關系。

????從我的調研來看，第三個因素——隱私，也就是和別人無關的事——也有較大的影響。金融心理學家布萊德?克隆茲表示，他的研究證明，那些更有錢的人既喜歡搞得神神秘秘，心事也比較重。他解釋說：“這種人更杞人憂天，也更擔心自己被人占便宜。”而這種心理都會讓他們更為自閉。

????他表示，要克服這種心理只需要深入探討有關錢的話題。可以從與配偶或是最親近的人開始談起。他說：“只要你開始說，就是一種傾述，這也是人們在焦慮時接受心理療法時的做法。如果你深信只要談錢就會導致離婚，或者會讓別人覺得你缺乏教養，那克服這種焦慮唯一的辦法就是堅持探討這個話題。”別先談具體金額。可以先說說你的目標和擔憂。在金錢這個問題上，母親是怎么教你的？你又從父親那兒學到了什么？克隆茲說：“‘你為什么在X上頭花了這么多錢？’平時說起這樣的問題大家往往動不動就會大吵一架，而（我們建議的）這種做法會帶給你不一樣的感覺。”

????最后，要知道專業人士談起這些話題時也會比較撓頭，所以你大可松一口氣。卡勒曾是一個八人理財規劃師小組成員，有一次這個小組決定聊聊他們上一年掙了多少錢，自己的身價又是多少。結果，“我們花了八小時才聊完”，他說。最后，八人中有七人終于知道——這也讓他們很寬慰——他們的收入水平基本都差不多。

????而實際上，丈夫和我要聊這些話題是要定好時間的，因為我——而不是他——會回避這種溝通。不過可以跟大家分享的是：每次聊完，我都會覺得有更大的安全感，以及如釋重負的輕松感。（財富中文網）

????譯者：清遠

????

????Politics, sex, health, religion, or money: Which of these would make you most likely to head for the loo (or at least top off your glass) if it came up at a dinner party?

????According to a new study by the deVere Group, a financial advisory firm in the U.K. -- money tops the list 60% of the time. Now, this study was international (the U.K., Hong Kong, United Arab Emirates, and South Africa in addition to the U.S.) and skewed to wealthy individuals (with more than $1.5 million to invest). So, over the past few days, I did a little pure stateside research -- asking readers to my free weekly newsletter to weigh in. Some of you who follow me@JeanChatzky or @FortuneMagazine on Twitter took my survey as well.

????Turns out sex is the topic that makes our skin crawl most in a social setting. Money came in at No. 2. Health? We could talk about that all day (perhaps explaining why my stepfather calls the first 10 minutes of lunch with his ROMEOs -- Retired Old Men Eating Out -- the organ recital.)

????The initial ranking aside, 60% of my respondents (most of whom were age 40 to 60 with investible assets in the low to mid six-figures) cop to avoiding conversations about money. (If you'd like to weigh in, you can do so here.) That's not a problem when the talk actually is happening at a dinner party -- but when you're avoiding talking to your spouse or significant other, kids (adolescent or adult), and parents, it spells trouble.

????Not talking means kicking the can down the road on positive topics (What do we want to be doing 10 years from now?) as well as negative ones. (How much credit card debt do you really have?) That's why we end up with couples who can't agree upon when, let alone where or how, they want to retire. It's one reason marriages fall apart over finances. And it makes us more likely to raise kids who perpetuate the cycle.

????"Unfortunately, the people who are closest to you are also the hardest to talk to," says Rick Kahler, president of the Financial Therapy Association. So why does this happen? And how can we rewrite the script? Let's take those one at a time.

????Two emotions -- shame and guilt -- drive us away from conversations about our finances, Kahler says. "There's shame that we aren't making enough or aren't worth enough," he says, "and guilt if we perceive we are making or have too much." Neither emotion is triggered by a particular number, interestingly, but by where we stand (or think we stand) based on the company we're in.

????According to my study, a third factor -- privacy, i.e. it's nobody's business -- also looms large in the equation. Financial psychologist Brad Klontz says his research confirms that those who have more money are both more secretive -- and more anxious. "They're more worried about the future and more worried that they might be taken advantage of," he notes, both of which can lead to insulating themselves even more.

????The only way to get beyond it is to just dive in, he says. Begin with your spouse or the person closest to you. "What you're talking about is exposure, that's what you do in psychotherapy when someone is very anxious about something. If you have belief that if you talk about money you'll get divorced, or people will think you're rude, the only way to get through anxiety is to practice doing it." And don't start with the numbers. Start with talking about your goals and your fears. What did your mother teach you about money? What did you learn from your dad? Notes Klontz: "It gives you a different experience than the typical drive-by fight about why you spent X."

????Finally, take solace in the fact that even pros have a tough time with these conversations. Kahler was once part of a group of eight financial planners that decided to have a conversation about how much they made the prior year and how much they were worth. "It took eight hours," he says, noting that at the end seven of the eight realized -- to their relief -- they were very much in the same ballpark.

????My husband and I actually schedule these conversations because I -- not he -- will otherwise avoid. One thing I can tell you: Once the conversations are over, there's always a greater sense of security. And relief.