本文選自專(zhuān)欄《謀生的工具》（Tools of the Trade）。在這個(gè)每周更新一次的專(zhuān)欄中，各領(lǐng)域的專(zhuān)家會(huì)提供可行建議，幫助你在形成好習(xí)慣到募資等方面迅速且高效地見(jiàn)到成果。本周，密蘇里大學(xué)圣路易斯分校專(zhuān)攻愛(ài)情神經(jīng)認(rèn)知的助理教授桑德拉·蘭吉斯拉格（Sandra J.E. Langeslag）將探討一個(gè)浪漫的話題：愛(ài)的感覺(jué)能否調(diào)控？

愛(ài)情的很多方面可能是你無(wú)法控制的，但至少，你可以采取一些方法來(lái)調(diào)控愛(ài)的強(qiáng)度。

有時(shí)候，你可能無(wú)法自拔地墜入愛(ài)河，盡管你并不想愛(ài)得如此熾烈。或許，你愛(ài)上了一個(gè)不愛(ài)你的人，一個(gè)已經(jīng)跟你分手的人。或許，你愛(ài)錯(cuò)了人，比如你的老板或者一個(gè)待你不好的人。或許，你已經(jīng)擁有幸福的婚姻，但你狂熱地愛(ài)上了其他人。在這些情況下，你可能想減輕你的愛(ài)意。這可能會(huì)減弱心碎的程度，阻止你去追求一個(gè)你不應(yīng)該追求的人，或者幫助你終結(jié)一段不幸福的關(guān)系。

在其他時(shí)候，你對(duì)某人的愛(ài)意可能沒(méi)有達(dá)到你想要的程度。或許，你擁有一位長(zhǎng)期的伴侶，但當(dāng)初那份激情早已被歲月消耗殆盡。這其實(shí)再正常不過(guò)。不再愛(ài)戀，是離婚的主要原因之一。如果你擁有一段幸福的關(guān)系，唯一的問(wèn)題是你的愛(ài)正在減弱，你可能想增強(qiáng)你的愛(ài)意。這可以減少因激情減弱而分手或離婚的幾率。

這正是“愛(ài)情調(diào)控”——使用行為和認(rèn)知策略來(lái)改變你目前的愛(ài)戀?gòu)?qiáng)度——可以大顯身手的地方。有些人認(rèn)為，愛(ài)情是一個(gè)不可能強(qiáng)加改變的自然過(guò)程。但諸如恐懼、憤怒和快樂(lè)這類(lèi)情緒也是一個(gè)自然過(guò)程；眾多研究表明，情緒調(diào)控可能非常有益。因此，即使愛(ài)情是一個(gè)自然的過(guò)程，愛(ài)情調(diào)控也可能是有幫助的。此外，我自己的研究表明，人們往往相信，控制愛(ài)意是很難做到的，甚至是不可能的事。然而，我的研究也表明，你其實(shí)可以通過(guò)思考某些事情來(lái)改變你的愛(ài)戀?gòu)?qiáng)度。

如何減輕愛(ài)意

如果你想減少你對(duì)某人的愛(ài)意，不妨想想這個(gè)人的某些負(fù)面品質(zhì)（他是個(gè)大懶蟲(chóng)，她總是遲到），或者這段關(guān)系的負(fù)面特征（我們經(jīng)常打架）。你也可以想象消極的未來(lái)情景（他會(huì)欺騙我）。諸如此類(lèi)的負(fù)向思考將減少迷戀（即激情之愛(ài)）和依戀（即伴侶之愛(ài)）。這顯然不是最有趣的做法——在短期內(nèi)，它可能會(huì)讓你感到不舒服。但以前的研究表明，對(duì)前任和過(guò)往關(guān)系的負(fù)面想法，有助于人們克服分手的傷痛。所以，從長(zhǎng)遠(yuǎn)來(lái)看，它可能會(huì)讓你感覺(jué)更好。

如何增強(qiáng)愛(ài)意

如果你想增強(qiáng)你對(duì)某人的愛(ài)意，你應(yīng)該做相反的事情：想想他或她的積極品質(zhì)（他很善良，她很率真），或者這段關(guān)系的積極特征（我們一直過(guò)得很愉快）。此外，你也可以想象積極的未來(lái)情景（從此之后，我們將幸福地生活在一起）。諸如此類(lèi)的積極思考將增強(qiáng)你對(duì)愛(ài)人的迷戀程度，也很可能會(huì)增加你對(duì)這種關(guān)系的滿意度。

現(xiàn)在，對(duì)于你的愛(ài)人，這段關(guān)系或者你們的未來(lái)，你可能已經(jīng)有了一些負(fù)面和積極的想法。但如果你想改變你的愛(ài)戀程度，務(wù)必要有意識(shí)地專(zhuān)注于負(fù)面或積極想法，這取決于你是想減輕，還是想增強(qiáng)你的愛(ài)意。切不可把這兩種想法混雜在一起。

務(wù)必要注意，“愛(ài)情調(diào)控”的運(yùn)作機(jī)理不同于電燈開(kāi)關(guān)。這些負(fù)面或積極想法只會(huì)在邊際上，微弱地改變你的愛(ài)意強(qiáng)度；短時(shí)間后，這種效應(yīng)就會(huì)減退。就像人生中大多數(shù)事情一樣，如果你想獲得一種持久的改變，你就必須經(jīng)常調(diào)控你的愛(ài)意。例如，你可以寫(xiě)下你所能想到的負(fù)面或積極的事情，最好每天一次。

有些人可能會(huì)認(rèn)為，愛(ài)情是兩個(gè)人互動(dòng)的結(jié)果。但“單相思”并不罕見(jiàn)。也許你愛(ài)上了一個(gè)跟你沒(méi)關(guān)系的人。也許你愛(ài)上了一個(gè)你甚至沒(méi)有說(shuō)過(guò)話的人，比如迷戀某個(gè)名人，或者對(duì)某人一見(jiàn)鐘情。愛(ài)情調(diào)控的好處是，它是那種即使你的至愛(ài)毫不知情，你也能做的事情。你可以隨時(shí)隨地決定是否增強(qiáng)或減弱你的愛(ài)意。這樣說(shuō)來(lái)，你還有什么理由不去調(diào)控你的愛(ài)情生活呢？（財(cái)富中文網(wǎng)）

作者：Sandra J.E. Langeslag

譯者：Kevin

This article is part of Tools of the Trade, a weekly series in which a variety of experts share actionable tips for achieving fast and effective results on everything from forming good habits to raising money.

This week Sandra J.E. Langeslag, an assistant professor at the University of Missouri-St. Louis who specializes in the neurocognition of romantic love, offers a look at whether feelings of love can be regulated.

There may be a lot of things you can’t control about love, but when it comes to the intensity with which you feel it, there’s some amount of fine-tuning that can be done.

At times, you may be more in love than you want to be. Maybe you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back or who has broken up with you. Maybe you’re in love with the wrong person, such as your boss or someone who doesn’t treat you well. Maybe you’re happily married but have a crush on someone else. In instances like these, you may want to decrease your love feelings. That might reduce heartbreak, prevent you from pursuing someone when you shouldn’t, or help you end an unhappy relationship.

At other times, you may be less in love than you want to be. Maybe you’re in a long-term relationship and the passion has died. This is actually pretty common, and falling out of love is one of the primary reasons for divorce. If you’re in a happy relationship and the only problem is that your love feelings are declining, you may want to increase your love feelings. This could reduce the chance of a break-up or divorce due to dwindling passion.

That is where love regulation, or the use of behavioral and cognitive strategies to change the intensity of your current feelings of romantic love, comes in. Some people argue that love is a natural process that should not be changed. But emotions (such as fear, anger, joy, etc.) are natural processes too, and there is much research that shows that emotion regulation can be very beneficial. So even though love is a natural process, love regulation may be helpful as well. In addition, my own research has revealed that people often believe that it’s difficult or even impossible to control love feelings. However, my research has also shown that you can actually change how in love you are by thinking certain things.

How to decrease your love feelings

If you want to decrease your feelings of love for someone, think about that person’s negative qualities (he’s lazy, she’s always late) and the negative qualities of your relationship (we fight a lot). You could also imagine negative future scenarios (he’ll cheat on me). Negative thoughts like these will decrease infatuation (i.e., passionate love) and attachment (i.e., companionate love). Clearly, this isn’t the most fun exercise – in the short term it may make you feel bad. But previous research has shown that thinking negatively of an ex and the ex-relationship helps people get over a break-up, so it will likely make you feel better in the long run.

How to increase your love feelings

If you want to increase your feelings of love for someone, you should do the opposite: think about his or her positive qualities (he’s kind, she’s spontaneous) or the positive qualities of your relationship (we have so much fun together). In addition, try imagining positive future scenarios (we’ll live happily ever after). Positive thoughts like these will increase how attached to your beloved you are and is likely to increase your satisfaction with your relationship as well.

Now you may already have these negative and positive thoughts about your beloved, the relationship, or the future. But if you want to change how in love you are, it is important that you intentionally focus either on the negative or the positive thoughts, depending on whether you want to decrease or increase your love feelings, rather than having a mix of the two.

It is important to note that love regulation doesn’t work like an on/off switch. Thinking these negative or positive thoughts will only change your love feelings a little bit and the effect will wear off after a short period of time. Like with most things in life, if you want to make a lasting change, you’ll have to regulate your love feelings regularly. You could write down as many negative or positive things you can think of once a day, for example.

Some people might argue that love is the result of an interaction between two people. But it is not uncommon for love to be one-sided. Maybe you’re in love with someone you’re not in a relationship with. Maybe you experience some form of love for someone you’ve never even spoken to, such as a crush on a celebrity or love at first sight. The advantage of love regulation is that it’s something you can do even when your beloved is not on board. You can decide if and when you want to make your feelings of love more or less intense. So, go on and take control of your love life!